The Chair

For some reason tonight Derrick decided that he couldn't sleep. Usually he's pretty good about going to sleep after a few minutes of talking to his bear and watching his mobile. Tonight was an exception. After listening to him cry for entirely too long a few minutes, I went upstairs to check on him and found him sitting up in his crib.  He gets stuck when he sits up.  I don't know why, but for some reason once he gets up in his crib, he can't get back down.

I know I should have helped him back down and left his room, but instead I picked him up and we rocked.  I've rocked him countless times in that chair, but tonight it was different.  As he was staring at me, gently touching my face, I couldn't help but think about all of those times I'd sat in that chair before he was born.

I was really scared to buy that chair.  I was scared to buy anything for him or for his room.  I was scared to have baby showers, scared to turn in my resignation at school.  I was scared for April 19 to come.  I was scared to walk into the hospital because I was scared for Derrick to come into this world.

Yes, I was excited about meeting him.  I was excited about seeing what he looked like, about holding him for the first time.  I was excited to become his mommy.

But I was terrified that I would never get to rock my baby in that chair.

I couldn't imagine having to make the hour and a half drive home from Charleston with an empty car seat.  Having to walk up the stairs and see that beach-house blue room and having no reason to walk inside.  I couldn't imagine sitting in the chair without him in my belly or in my arms.

I couldn't imagine the unimaginable.

But I couldn't help but think about it.

There were many, many days when I would sit in that chair and beg, bargain, and plead for God to let me bring my baby home.  Every single day after we found out about Derrick's special heart, I prayed we would be able to bring him home.  I prayed that prayer in the shower, in the car, in the kitchen, in the chair.

On May 6, that prayer was answered.  The first thing we did when we brought Derrick into our home for the very first time was take him to his room and rock him in the chair.

Tonight as I was rocking D, holding my answered prayer in my arms while he touched the tears running down my cheeks, I thanked God for my precious baby boy and and the sweet moments that we've shared together, especially in the chair.



  1. SUCH a great post!! I had tears in my eyes reading it! We have "that chair" too.... :)

  2. Shannon,
    I cry thinking about those same moments. I use to spend hours crying as I sat in Ruthies room thinking about what lies ahead. It is because of those moments that we can face our burdens now. We are still unsure but looking back, we know we have come so far.
    I am so proud of you Shannon! I am also proud of D!
    You are a great example of strength. D is learning so much about love and endurance from you; and you from him.
    This world is truly blessed to have you both!

    Oh and he gets cuter and cuter every day.


  3. With tears and a Thank you to God for little D for you we send you lots of hugs and yes to hold the little ones is a precious feeling.

  4. Oh Shannon, I am sitting here tears rolling! Bless your heart, I still sit and cry, I still walk into Zeb's room and cry just so Thankful that we still have him. I can't imagine what you went through being pregnant and knowing, We didn't know until he went into heart failure at 4 wks. But I know all to well how you never forget, how your breath catches at the slightest thing and it takes you back to that place...God is so Good and I get tears at the corner of my eyes every time I see your pics you post of Lil Derrick, because he is a true Miracle and You are very Blessed! Hug him for us...Happy Birthday Derrick!! You are an Amazing Lil Man...A true example of God's Grace!! And you got an Awesome Mommy!!

    We love you,
    Rhonda&Sonny, Preslee, Kerrigan & Zeb, Your heart buddy ...


  5. Bless your heart. You need to write a book, I love your website. You will have to have Derrick a HUGE birthday party. (I'm sure you will)

  6. Thanks so much for sharing. I am so glad that chair has been put to such great use. What a blessing Derrick is. :)

  7. Wow, memories flooded back to me and brought me to tears. We knew about Andrew ahead of time, too, and I did the exact same thing... prayed in every possible place at every free moment I had. Many times I sat in our chair with Andrew in his room and cried while I rocked him, just so grateful he was there. Thanks for sharing- this was a wonderful reminder of all we have to be thankful for.

    Jen, Craig & Andrew

  8. I will never forget Christmas Eve 2006. I thought I was going into labor a bit early and I just cried as my husband held me because I was so scared. I remember saying, "but he's so safe inside of me". I was scared of entering the journey, which was so unknown. What a beautiful moment you shared with Derrick. This is what I have grown to appreciate about being a parent to a heart child ... I'm not sure you would have cherished that moment as deeply without the trials you have come through with Derrick. Thanks for sharing, friend!


  9. Those moments hit you when you least expect it. Funny the things that trigger that accute awareness that God has done the impossible and answered prayers and our little miracles are being held in his protective arms....even as HE lets us hold them in ours!

  10. A great story indeed, Shannon and you all have come so far. You have enjoyed the chair and are enjoying the chair and the precious gift in Derrick you have. Thank you for sharing. Happy birthday, Derrick!