1.05.2011

Anxiety

So, tomorrow is the BIG DAY!  I'd love to say that we have "the ultrasound to find out the gender of the baby" tomorrow, but it's not really like that.  I guess it shows how naive I was the first time around, but I didn't think anything about the 20 week ultrasound when I was pregnant with Derrick.  All Justin and I both focused on was whether he was a boy or a girl!

It's pretty different this time.  I knew it would be, and I've tried hard to push it out of my mind.   I've spent the majority of my time this pregnancy thinking of everything except for the baby.  I know that sounds awful, but please don't get me wrong.  I am so excited about this baby...I love it, want it, can't wait to meet it.  I just can't wait for the next month to be over.  

The first time I realized that I had been pushing my worries aside was at my 12 week check-up.  My blood work had been done and we sat in the next waiting area for a few minutes, then we were called to wait in an office.  This caught me off guard for two reasons.  One, because typically you don't go from waiting room number two to the office, you go to the exam room.  And two...this was the office where we received the news about Derrick's heart.  We sat down in that room and my heart started pounding!  
We waited and waited, and finally I couldn't stand it any longer.  I asked one of the nurses who walked by if it was a "bad thing" as to why we were in there.  She laughed and said, "No, you're just waiting on the doctor."  After we sat there a little longer I couldn't take it anymore.  I went back to the nurses station with tears streaming down my face and asked why we were in that room.  I know she thought I was crazy, but I couldn't help it.  The only things that had been done that day were blood draws and a urine sample!  Surely they would at least check for a heartbeat before they told me something terrible.  Anyway, the nurse assured me that the doctor I was seeing that day was just behind and that there was nothing for me to worry about.  

As it turns out he was super thorough, and since it was my first real visit this time he had a lot of questions.  We talked about Derrick's heart and the plan of action for this baby and all kinds of other things.  I think he felt kind of bad that we had to wait because he let us have an ultrasound even though we weren't supposed to have one until this week.  I guess sometimes it pays to cry!  Ha!  :) 

I really haven't been consciously anxious about the baby again until Christmas morning.  I woke up that morning with a few tears on my hand.  It took me a minute to realize what was going on and that I had been dreaming.  In my dream, we had a big, chunky, baby girl.  However, our girl was in the NICU, was five days old and still hadn't been held by her mama and daddy.  I have no idea why she was in the NICU, but I was happy that she was in the NICU here and not the PCICU in Charleston.  At least that meant it wasn't her heart! 

That morning I realized that I apparently have some anxiety about this baby that I'm not dealing with.  Justin told me this week that he's realizing he's a little more worried about the ultrasound on Thursday than he thought he was too.  I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse! :)

We both know that we will be taken care of. We know that we will be equipped with whatever tools and resources we need to get through whatever challenges we may face.  We know that the odds are great that this child will be perfectly healthy and have no heart defects or other defects.  Most of all, we know that this child will be absolutely 100% exactly what God has intended for it to be.  

But we are parents.  We are human.  We worry when things are beyond our control, as are most things, especially when our children are concerned.  We covet your prayers both for this child and for the acceptance of whatever this new life may bring. 
 
The day we found out about Derrick's heart one of my favorite friends texted me these verses.  I have clung to them in desperate times and in happy times. And to me, they are perfect for every child...


 For you created my inmost being;
   you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
   your works are wonderful,
   I know that full well. 
My frame was not hidden from you
   when I was made in the secret place,
   when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
   all the days ordained for me were written in your book
   before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
   How vast is the sum of them! 
Psalm 139: 13-17

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15 comments:

  1. Oh Shannon, I get it, I do!! So praying for baby's heart AND yours as you prepare for your ultrasound. I know it will be a huge weight off your shoulders to KNOW all that you can about this wee one.
    Trusting God for a healthy, whole heart and a day of rejoicing!
    Love you and yes!!! Want a day together too!

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  2. I understand your anxiety and it's "normal" With our first, we went to that "gender" appointment only to be told that I had major complications and was immedietly put on bedrest - where I stayed for the next 17 weeks. Every single time I went to the doctor (every two weeks at least) there was something else wrong until I ended up in the hospital for 6 weeks. So, when I got pregnant with baby #2, we were more than anxious at every appointment. That time I still had some complications and had to have surgery at 14 weeks but, after that, things were pretty good - it didn't mean I wasn't anxious at every appointment (again, I went every 2 weeks still) Until we held that little guy in our arms and the pregancy was over, our anxiety exsisted. Yes, we trusted God, but like you stated, we are parents and human! I'll be praying for you!

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  3. Praying for the three of you that everything comes out okay at this doctor's appointment/ultrasound. I can understand you both having anxiety about this little one, but God will give you only what you can handle and will make sure your new baby is exactly as it should be. I'm praying for you that everything goes well.

    Kim

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  4. Oh Shannon.. I wish I could reach through this computer and give you the biggest hug. My heart just went out to you when you told the story about your 12 week doctors appointment. I completely understand your anxiety and already know that one day when we are ready for another baby I will feel the same way. Please know that I am thinking about you guys and praying for you.
    (((hugs)))

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  5. Shannon,
    HUGE {{{{{{HUG}}}}}}!!!! I am sure you are extremely anxious and I feel it is completely normal. Look at everything you have been through with D. We would honestly think there was something wrong with you if you weren't concerned about the health of your precious baby #2.

    I know when Ryan and I were going back and forth about whether to have another baby it was hard. Then we thought I was pregnant when we hadn't been planning for it and I was an emotional wreck. It wasn't meant to be and I turned out to not be pregnant. I just knew then that I wasn't wanting to have any more babies. It was a hard decision to come to but I am happy with what we chose. We have two babies that we love and definitely feel blessed with them. However I do know that anxiety you are feeling and the worry that has been laid upon your heart over this baby.

    Know that I am praying for you and your precious little baby on the way. Heart Healthy thoughts today! You know you can always count on me to be there no matter what!! {{{HUG}}}

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  6. Hugs for you Shannon! I love that verse and have clung to it as well! The Lord does knit everything together and purposes it for His glory =) Praying for you guys tomorrow!

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  7. It has not been so long that I have forgotten the anxiety with Kayley's echo (Jessany's younger sister) and how worried I was. I also had many dreams that there was a problem. She was fine and my prayers have been that this will be the healthiest baby the doctor has ever seen! I mean EVER! I have had your baby in my prayers, but will be especially prayerful for you, Justin, and the baby tomorrow. You have many people praying for you and though I know the difficulties of "relaxing" during stressful procedures, you will be surrounded by those many prayers and try - as hard as you can - to know that you are not there alone and that God is right there beside you.

    Oh, and the verse? Psalm 139? When I found out that I was pregnant at the advanced maternal age of 40 (!), I could NOT sleep, could not convince myself that there would not be multiple problems with this baby and in the middle of the night, flipped my Bible open...straight to this verse. After that, I never really worried about the baby too much again. He is a totally fine, extremely healthy little boy born to this older mom who really, really keeps me on my aging toes. Seriously keeps me there :)

    Praying for all of you tomorrow~

    Kati, Evan & Brycen Dunn

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  8. I will be thinking about you all today and tomorrow. I hope all goes well with the ultrasound tomorrow, and you enjoy seeing your beautiful new baby.

    Andi

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  9. Oh I can just imagine how you're feeling. SO many prayers and good thoughts coming your way tomorrow. And I LOVE that verse - we have it on Bodie's blog and I meditated on it pretty much from his diagnosis through his birth.

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  10. Good for you for talking about your anxiety! I think it's impossible not to worry in this situation.

    I am excited for this Blessing you have inside of you!

    Neysa

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  11. Praying all is well with the baby. Sending good thoughts your way.

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  12. Shannon,
    You have every right as a parent to want that perfect baby and talk about you anxiety! I guess what is perfect in God's eyes, may not seem perfect to us. You are a super strong person and have a great attitude. I know "she" will be perfect in everyway! I will pray that your visit it peaceful and positive. Enjoy the moment.

    Kim

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  13. I will be thinking about you tom... and praying that what you find out is good news. Enjoy seeing your beautiful baby on that screen tom.. there is nothing like it as I know you know!!

    Melissa (Maccoy's Mommy TOF)

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  14. Thinking about you today, Shannon! Continue to cling to God's word.

    Love, hugs, and prayers from NC...

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